Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.

My body: I want donuts.

Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.

Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.