[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
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Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
“Sir, I was taught to always dance like no one is watching.”
*me getting escorted out of the club wearing only a bath towel
and singing into a brush.*
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.