Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?

Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.

Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”