Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese