*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
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No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions