If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
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It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
“We will wed,” I threatened
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
It do be feeling this way.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak