Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

[ouija board]

Who are you?

*board begins spelling*

G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O

What the — a Luigi Board?!

W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works