Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
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The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Word.
~ Microsoft.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
