Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot

Worst perfume name ever.

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

(grounding my kid) go outside.

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.