Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

only 11 steps left

The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”