Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.

You can just call me Opposite Barbie.

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun

Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.

Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’