Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

[speed dating]

Her: I’m a little bit country.

Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.

*holds seashell to ear*

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics