me and the Superbowl rn
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They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all