me and the Superbowl rn
You Might Also Like
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought