me and the Superbowl rn
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Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Me :
All Day At Night
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
