Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.

[Hall of Justice]

BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham

SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet

AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.

Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.