Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15

The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.

The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

I am having fish and chips for lunch.

*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost