Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

figuring out my emotional availability:

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

Beware of the “party goblin”…

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.