Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
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I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
And then there were 4
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”