Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
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someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
good work, everybody
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR