Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

A cabbage a day keeps people away.

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?