Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

ㅤ