Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
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Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
It’s the weekend y’all
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
