Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

Me: What did you learn about at school?

10-year-old: States.

Me: What did you learn about them?

10: That there’s too many.

Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?

“shh, I’m getting mad online”

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.