Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

She knows her part so well!

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

Good morning.

2nd Rule of Parent Club:

If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

Swedish for common sense.

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no