Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Meanwhile in Canada…

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.

Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.

[first weekend away from the kids]

ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes

PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about

KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?

ME: change the wi-fi password

KID: nonononono I’m sorry

genius

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…