Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

Everyday I’m on that James Bond diet:

0 water
0 salad
7 servings of mac n cheese (shaken, not stirred)

Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is

wife *finally falls asleep*
me *opens cupboard door* *every single fucking pot and pan falls out*

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.