Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
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Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough