Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Thankful that my family understands I occasionally need to leave the table because my social battery is running low and also because I have explosive diarrhea
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS