Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”

~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

My birthstone is a marshmallow

My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

[doing a crossword]

friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony

me: baby horse

friend: no like fake

me: unicorn jr

October already? What’s next? November????

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

The 4 stages of a family vacation

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.