Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the three branches of government

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad

The three genders

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

“you look easy to draw”

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm