Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

Me: How is your chicken?

Mario: It needsa salt.

Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

I saw this ending much differently.

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker