Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done