Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?

Me: um yes. I’m married.

CG: *shrugs* your loss.

Me:

CG: