Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
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coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
can you read it!!??
maan!
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
welp
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.