Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
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4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*