Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

roses are red
i fall when i skate

Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!