Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
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embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.