Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
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NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Rt to bother an English speaker
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry