Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
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[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams