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I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I love the honesty
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Natty or not?
