Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body