Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

I believe the plural is “milves.”

A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”