me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
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When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
The devil.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna