me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
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1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.