Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
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my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.