Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

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Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.


Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?


i hate this pandemic if i wanted to waste my early 20s i would have gotten married


*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”


I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.


“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”

“Brick, that’s your shadow.”


Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.


*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.


I dropped my phone when my friend accidently bumped my arm. It didn’t break but for a moment I saw her whole life flash in front of my eyes.


i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of