@SnarkyMommy78

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

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@DiamondLou69

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

@aimlessamers

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

@ratmobbs

i hate this pandemic if i wanted to waste my early 20s i would have gotten married

@DirtMcTurd

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

@MommaUnfiltered

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

@BrickCh4News

“A black man follows me when it’s sunny outside. When it’s cloudy, he goes home.”

“Brick, that’s your shadow.”

@Bob_Janke

Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

@dlockw21

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

@iresurfaced

I dropped my phone when my friend accidently bumped my arm. It didn’t break but for a moment I saw her whole life flash in front of my eyes.

@fuzzlime

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of