me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
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I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
How did we not see this back then?
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10