Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

genius

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

Mike is short for Micycle

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.