Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

Leaving the Barbers like

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

In a parallel universe nobody can park.