Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
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Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
When you let grandma cat sit
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
What?!?
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor