Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
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I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.