Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

All set.

[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]

MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”