Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

Childbirth is so beautiful