Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
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Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife