Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
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me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I didn’t realize that was an option
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
knights of the ikea table
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?