Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
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Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
If looks could kill
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”