Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
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I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
best review i’ve ever seen
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.