Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?