me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
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What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.