me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
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If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
bout dat hot dog summer
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*