Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
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Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
This one’s “Alex”.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
look scared
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.