Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
You Might Also Like
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*