Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
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Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog