Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter