Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

*first day as a detective*

Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body

Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?