My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
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“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
That’s classic.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.