Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it

english majors be like furthermore

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

How to sleep:

1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes

“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.

what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes

what my dog hears: goodbye forever

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

Me: Alexa, play music

Cop: where do you think you are?

*aggressively waits in line*

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler