Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.

Thinking of having kids?

Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.

You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.

Send cake.

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

Finally!

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

Do you smell smoke?

I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing