me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”