Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!

On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’

How self-absorbed are you?

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

me: i’m sorry

gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?

me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas

gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy

me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”