Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these

Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

Child: Turkey pancakes?!

Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.

Wife: I told you the bird was too big

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.